What Comes Now?

Sometimes I worry if am I strong enough. They say the amount of work you put in determines how badly you want something, and so sometimes I wonder: How much do I really want it? How much do I really want to be successful?

I’ve hit this hard place in this semester where I’m just tired. I’m tired of trying so hard and fighting to make it through and I wonder: Does that make me weak? I want to give up and just say this isn’t for me but I feel as if everything in my life is going to be just as hard. And once again it makes me wonder: Does that make me weak or does that mean I just don’t want it badly enough? Either way I don’t know; all I know is that I am tired.

I look at certain people and think to myself, “They’re gonna make it” and I want to be someone like that. I use to be someone like that. But now it’s as if everything is falling apart.

I’ve never been a very religious person. I believe in God, I know He’s there and I definitely call on Him when things get rough, but I do not have a close personal relationship with Him. I think this has a lot to do with why I’m so weak at this moment. This has been the hardest period I’ve dealt with in a long time and the first hard period where I’ve dealt with it alone. I’m in San Jose by myself and I feel as if I have no support system here with me.

I wanted to get away from home so badly that I didn’t really notice that I lacked the necessary foundation to be successful away from home. I lacked the connection with God, the acceptance that it’s okay to mess up at times, and the confidence to survive and be okay even when I’m messing up.

I set the bar for myself so high that it’s impossible to reach, and I believed that was the way to keep myself going and keep striving for the top, but in reality setting the bar that high has only made me feel as if I’m failing in every area of my life. I battle with myself all the time about whether I’m putting too much pressure on myself or if this isn’t too much at all and I’m just not as strong as I need to be, that I’m just weak.

These are just the constant battles I have within myself and just the way I’m feeling at this moment. I like to live by the scripture “this too shall pass”, so that is what has been getting me through this semester.

 

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by DAMAYA WALLACE

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